Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday Fictioneers: "Gateway"


I skipped last week but am back again with another in the series of Friday Fictioneers. Click the link to learn more and join us! 


Gateway
We took a rocky path through rainy woods in the hills near the Portland neighborhood we'd grown up in. She knew I found her exotic and told me of how in Japan such trails have gateways where walkers compose themselves. We stood between boulders, I reached for her hand, and we climbed in step, her red Keds and my black ones disappearing into the leaves.
I asked more when we rested at the top, fascinated with the beautiful silky dark and light of her ancestors, her hair, her very still face. She scratched one long red fingernail against the corduroy over her knee and sighed as she mumbled about shiny pillars and a small roof—no good for shelter, just symbolic.
Two decades later I bought the hill, built the thing, and shored it up with brick from my childhood house--even lit it with spotlights. But she has long since disappeared into the city.
155 words
NOTE: If you want a REALLY great story, a true one that's nearly unbelievable, read my entry from yesterday

10 comments:

Tom Poet said...

A nice read, good imagery and romantic. Nice work! here is mine if you care to take a look....http://blog.tompoet.com/?p=470

K.D. McCrite said...

Some really great imagery in this. Thank you for sharing.

elmowrites said...

I see what you mean about your last paragraph - the story would still be good without it, but I like it there too.
You do a good job of capturing the romance of the walk, the narrator's fascination and the contrast between how exotic the girl seems and how ordinary she really looks.
I have a feeling this is one of those stories that would actually benefit from getting it down to 100 words. I know different Fictioneers are more and less flexible about the WC and this is far from too long, but at the same time the exercise might just make it tighter. Just a thought!

Yaral Morse said...

Great imagery here and I liked that he bought the hill later on. I am number 44 this week and guilty of going over 100 words this time ;)

janet said...

Romantic. I like your descriptions, especially the sentence with the Keds. Missed you last week.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields said...

How sad that she vanished. Nice visuals.

rich said...

i'm not quite sure what happened.

Lora said...

Not surprised she vanished. Why did he wait 20 years? She got tired of waiting.

Cindy Marsch said...

Thanks for your comments, everybody.

Janet, I had to go out of town last week and just couldn't get it in.

Rich, the narrator is infatuated with the Japanese girl, who is bored with his infatuation. She moves on with her life, but he stays infatuated, to the point of buying the hill and building a gateway such as she described. But, as we well know, she isn't aware of it at all and is happy having moved on to her Portland life. :-)

Lora, I imagine he couldn't buy the hill while he was in high school. ;-)

Douglas MacIlroy said...

Dear Cindy,

i can feel the longing and lonliness in your protagonist's heart. A stirring tale that i wish had ended better for him.

aloha,

Doug