A Silly Poem

George Grant posted on Facebook this evening a quote by G.K. Chesterton:  "The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

Well, I'm up for a challenge, even after being away for a long time!  This is what I posted in reply to G.G.'s post:

A Cheesy Poem

I once buttered up a young miss
By saying her skin was like swiss.
I meant it was silky with cream--
"Holes" was all to her it could seem.
I tried and I tried to do better,
And I likened her hair to a cheddar.
"Greasy" was all that she knew,
So she left me bereft and so bleu.
No! Her hair was as lovely as she,
Not stinky and gooey like brie.
So now I'm a miserable fella,
Sitting here with my nice mozzarella.
Stumble and sputter and wheeze--
You just can't po-et about cheese!

--Cindy Marsch, 2013

Calvin on Writing

No, not THAT Calvin.

I do not believe this, ultimately, to be my goal for my students, but I know it's possible, and I surely read a lot of this kind of writing.  Today it's just a funny, to blow out a bit of the dust in this blog.

Calvin and Hobbes Discuss The Purpose of Writing

I'm too busy teaching writing just now to blog about it.  I shall return . . . one day . . . Lord willing. :-)

Detail Mather's

A fun punctuation lesson from catalogliving.net .

Here's a Writing Exercise For You!

Enjoy!

Explaining the Internet to Oliver Twist

Whence This Quote?

I'm reading a book right now with this fun line:

"Feather-footed through the plashy fen passes the questing vole."

Can you identify it?  I'll reveal the source later. Hint: the copyright is 1937.

Grammar Funnies

Here are some grammar funnies I want to save:

The Writer's Den:  "Grammar," quoting a piece in Physics Review Letters, of all things, in 1979! Ancient history! (And the year I went to college.)

My favorites:

12. Don't use commas, which are not necessary.
18. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
20. In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.
21. Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.
22. It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.
23. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.
26. Last but not least, lay off cliches.

HT: Todd Harris

Humor and History

I was going to post this to Facebook, but then I realized I'd have people responding who just don't "get it." So I'm going to post this here, where I can warn you in an instructive sort of way that this is a humorous blog entry that makes great use of the irony of reality. If you scroll through the comments (skipping the one with the bad words) to the one by a German who doesn't "get it," you'll see the problem--humor relies on a shared frame of reference, and it relies a LOT on very subtle language cues, which the poor German guy realizes he's missing.

Here's an excerpt from the original:

I'm not even going to get into the whole subplot about breaking a secret code (cleverly named "Enigma", because the writers couldn't spend more than two seconds thinking up a name for an enigmatic code), the giant superintelligent computer called Colossus (despite this being years before the transistor was even invented), the Soviet strongman whose name means "Man of Steel" in Russian (seriously, between calling the strongman "Man of Steel" and the Frenchman "de Gaulle", whoever came up with the names for this thing ought to be shot).

And here's the "Stuff," by Scott (Squid314) via Joe Carter of First Thoughts.

Father's Day Cartoon Card

A fun Father's Day card from my artist-daughter Betsy to her physicist-father Glenn. I just had to share it somewhere! (Click on the image to see it decently.)

Graduation Address: Train Up a Child

My third child and second daughter, Betsy, entertained us with this little speech at her high school graduation celebration on Saturday. She is bound for Union University this fall, on a Provost's Scholarship to study art.

Train up a Child
Graduation speech of Elisabeth Grace Marsch
June 5, 2010

Being a teenage girl AND a homeschooler, it seems appropriate for me to quote Pride and Prejudice:


``It is amazing to me,'' said Bingley, ``how young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are.''
``All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?''
``Yes all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover skreens, and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being informed that she was very accomplished.’’

Isn’t it also true that every graduate, whether from high school or college, seems worthy of the utmost praise? I think the real reason for this is that graduations are not for the sake of the graduates. They are meant to honour the parents and teachers; hence the excusability, even propriety, of the shameless displays of academic achievement commonly seen at gatherings such as this one. Conveniently for me, all of my parents and teachers are economically contained in two people, which means I have fewer people to thank in this speech. What luck!

So please, see any and all of my accomplishments in the light of the faithful work of my father and mother. “’Mid toil and tribulation” my parents have worked diligently to put food on my back and clothes in my mouth and give me a good education, and they deserve praise for that.

In a homeschool study class which my mom taught this past year we studied some excellent literature, and in reading the book Frankenstein I came across this passage in which the infamous scientist describes his parents and childhood:

“I was their plaything and their idol, and something better--. . . it may be imagined that while during every hour of my infant life I received a lesson of patience, of charity, and of self-control, I was so guided by a silken cord that all seemed but one train of enjoyment to me.”

It is always distressing when people act like their lives are perfect and their homes untouched by sorrow, because it strikes such a hollow note. Considering the tragic end Dr. Frankenstein met with, apparently a perfect childhood doesn’t have the best results either. My family is not perfect; my life has not been “one train of enjoyment to me;” but God has filled my life with more riches, physical and spiritual, than most people can boast. My sister and brothers are fun and wise and loving (though the boys probably won’t admit to that last one). My parents have lovingly devoted their wisdom and experience and knowledge to teaching me, and I’m glad to say that they have also disciplined my siblings and me faithfully, which is something that takes courage to do. Accordingly our homeschool motto is, “The floggings shall continue until morale improves.”

I can trust God to take care of me over the next four years and I know that many of y’all will pray for me as I get ready to leave. And I can trust my family to pray for me, to encourage me, and to instruct me faithfully for many years to come.

Thank you all very much for coming to my graduation party. My parents feel bad that I’m going so far away, but I would like to end by reminding them of the infamous misquotation of the Bible, “Train up a child and away she goes.”

Student Sin

One of my students transgressed an English teacher's arcane commandments in a paper I am evaluating today, and I knew another English teacher out there would have a clever way of glossing on the point:

"From the Beginning of Time"

Stephen Hawking writes about the beginning of time, but few other people do. People who write “from the beginning of time” or “since time began” are usually being lazy. Their grasp of history is vague, so they resort to these broad, sweeping phrases. Almost never is this usage literally accurate: people have not fallen in love since time began, for instance, because people arrived relatively late on the scene in the cosmic scheme of things. . . . If you really don’t know the appropriate period from which your subject dates, you could substitute a less silly but still vague phrase such as “for many years,” or “for centuries”; but it’s better simply to avoid historical statements if you don’t know your history.

See “today’s modern society.”

Thank you, Paul Brians, of "Common Errors in English." :-)

Delightful Diversion

Thanks to the blog Soul Shelter, with which I do not always agree, I have a Delightful Diversion for you today, E. M. Forster's little essay "My Wood." Use the Soul Shelter link to see their presentation of the essay, and use the essay link to read it in its entirety.

Forster has a self-deprecating humor and fun twists on Scripture references. This is the fun of a really good writer at play.

Friday Funnies: Diploma Duh

It's worth only a little chuckle, but it's time for bed, so here you go:

Diploma Dustup

College Paper Angst

My dear daughter Abby is having trouble with a whirlwind humanities course done in two six-day weeks to be the equivalent of a full semester course, complete with a twelve-page paper. Her lament is on Facebook, inaccessible unless you're already her friend, so I pass on her added lament that the required terminology makes scanning difficult, and I'll just copy it here for you:

"The Paper Blues"
(To the tune of "I Need a Hero")

Where have all the good quotes gone
And how to use CMS?
Where's that scholarly article
To make this paper the best?
Isn't there a Principled-Pluralist creed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need


(Chorus)

I need a paper.
I'm holding out for a paper 'til the end of the night.
Argument's gotta be strong
And it's gotta be fast
And it's gotta be fresh from the fight.
I need a paper.
I'm holding out for a paper 'til the morning light
It's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And my argument's gotta be larger than life.


Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
The perfect source is reaching back for me.
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a peer-review'd to sweep me off my feet


(Chorus)


Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Wherever Dr. Kemeny the papers does grade
I would swear that somehow there's an 'A'
To be made


Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel its approach
Like fire in my blood.


(Chorus)

Friday Funnies: Bailey White

Bailey White is an eccentric, eerily familiar to me. She writes intense local-color pieces of South Georgia/North Florida, evoking myriad pictures in my mind. On the Amazon.com page for her first book, Mama Makes Up Her Mind, the "See Inside" function offers one of my favorite excerpts. Her mother reminds me a lot of my Grandmother Carter, who grew up in that area.

Mama Makes Up Her Mind

Friday Funnies: Mark Twain

Is it Friday again already? I Googled "Twain on writing" and found all manner of delights, including a book I now want to own:

Mark My Words: Mark Twain on Writing.

I also found a whole alphabetized website that is a great little adventure for an afternoon:

www.twainquotes.com .

I thought to look up "British" and found a page on "Englishmen":

Wherever they can stick a name so that it shall glorify anything pertaining to England, there they stick it. You never hear of an Englishman speak of the Hawaiian Islands--no, he calls them the Sandwich Islands; Cook discovered them second-hand, by following a Spanish chart three hundred years old, which is still in the British Museum, and named them for some one-horse Earl of Sandwich, that nobody had heard of before, and hasn't since--a man that probably never achieved any work that was really gorgeous during his earthly mission, excepting his invention for confining a slice of ham between two slices of bread in such a manner as to enable even the least gifted of our race to eat bread and meat at the same time, without being bewildered by too elaborate a conjunction of ideas.

Friday Funnies: My Own Students' Bloopers!

I have always meant to keep a collection of student funnies from their papers but have made only the tiniest beginning. Today I share the first file:

One student, in a report on knitting, referred to a “copulation of scarves” and a delightful “verity of scarf patterns.” (2007)

Another student warned, "Many corporal people try to cheat their way to the top of the corporal ladders." (Essay on Chaucer’s “Pardoner’s Tale,” 2007)

It's kind of fun when an error makes a whole new sentence concept: "Make sure it leaves and impact." (2008)

Finally, an opinion on true expertise: "The idea of different traits in life, is that a handful of individuals are epically good at them." ( 2008)

Friday Funnies on Monday: "When Life Reeked With Joy" Final Installment

(Continued....)
From "When Life Reeked With Joy"

    
       World War I broke out around 1912-1914.  Germany was on one side of
France  and Russia was on the other.  At war people get killed, and then
they aren't people any more, but friends.  Peace was proclaimed at  Ver-
sigh,  which  was  attended  by George Loid, Primal Minister of England.
President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers.  In 1937 Lenin revolted  Rus-
sia.   Communism  raged  among  the  peasants,  and the civil war  "team
colours" were red and white.
   Germany was displaced after WWI.  This gave rise to  Hitler.   Ger-
many  was  morbidly  overexcited  and  unbalanced.   Berlin  became  the
decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised.
A  huge anti-semantic movement arose.  Attractive slogans like "death to
all Jews" were used by  government  groups.   Hitler  remilitarized  the
Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
   The appeasers were  blinded  by  the  great  red  of  the  Soviets.
Moosealini  rested  his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi
Lee Salasy.  Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and  Russia
invaded  everybody.   War  screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion
was dropped on Heroshima.  A whole generation had been wipe out  in  two
world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
   According to Fromm, individuation began  historically  in  medieval
times.   This  was  a  period  of  small childhood.  There is increasing
experience as adolescence experiences its life  development.   The  last
stage is us.

Friday Funnies: "When Life Reeked With Joy" Part Four

(Continued....)
From "When Life Reeked With Joy"

History, a record of things left behind by past generations,

started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870

the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of

economic modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England.

Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city popula-

tion of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.

Great Brittian, the USA and other European countrys had demicratic

leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order

could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the

goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Vot-

ing was to be done by ballad.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon.

Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the

north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an

army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of

France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One

thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but great,

Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of

reality.

Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss,

who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into

vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and

abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and

people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his

seat "historical." Other countries had their own artists. France had

Chekhov.

Friday Funnies: "When Life Reeked With Joy" Part Three

(Continued....)
From "When Life Reeked With Joy"

   After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal.  If  the
Spanish  could  gain  the  Netherlands  they  would  have  a  stronghold
throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy,
Burgangy,  central Europe and India thus serrounding France.  The German
Emporer's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
  Louise XIV became King of the Sun.  He gave  the  people  food  and
artillery.   If  he  didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to
row for the rest of their lives.  Vauban was the royal minister of flir-
tation.   In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bound-
ing of the serfs.  Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter  the
Great.   Peter  filled his government with accidental people and built a
new capital near the European boarder.  Orthodox priests became  govern-
ment antennae.
  The enlightenment was a reasonable  time.   Voltare  wrote  a  book
called "Candy" that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great.  Phi-
losophers were unknown as yet, and the  fundamental  stake  was  one  of
religious  toleration slightly confused with defeatism.  France was in a
very serious state.  Taxation was a great drain  on  the  state  budget.
The  French revolution was accomplished before it happened.  The revolu-
tion evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it  catapulted
into  Napoleon.   Napoleon  was  ill  with bladder problems and was very
tense and unrestrained.

Friday Funnies: "When Life Reeked With Joy" Part Two

(Continued....)
From "When Life Reeked With Joy"

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by [edited double entendre] and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew [edited double entendre] on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost life-like.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

(To be continued....)