John Bunyan, born in 1628 and died in 1688, was a cobbler
who wrote a famous work entitled The Pilgrim's Progress from this
World to that which is to Come. This was also known as Pilgrim's
Progress. Pilgrim's Progress was written in 1678 as an allegory of a
Christian's journey throughout life. Pilgrim's Progress tells of how
a Christian or a pilgrim should act along the his/her journey. The
story centralizes on the protagonist, Christian, and his many
adventures/misadventures on his journey to reach the Celestial City.
(87 words)
who wrote a famous work entitled The Pilgrim's Progress from this
World to that which is to Come. This was also known as Pilgrim's
Progress. Pilgrim's Progress was written in 1678 as an allegory of a
Christian's journey throughout life. Pilgrim's Progress tells of how
a Christian or a pilgrim should act along the his/her journey. The
story centralizes on the protagonist, Christian, and his many
adventures/misadventures on his journey to reach the Celestial City.
(87 words)
It is immediately obvious that the title of the work should NOT appear four times in four lines, isn't it? That repetition is a great signal that it's time to combine sentences. A similar overlapping of sentences, in which a statement is made in one sentence, then in the next part of the original sentence is restated and a bit more added, is another marker for sentence combining. I often challenge students to reduce an overblown passage by a particular percentage or word count. In this case I can set a goal of reducing it by a third.
Why don't you give it a try yourself before looking at mine? Hint: copy/paste the original into another file and then work down from that.
Why don't you give it a try yourself before looking at mine? Hint: copy/paste the original into another file and then work down from that.
John Bunyan, a cobbler who lived from 1628 to 1688, wrote the famous work we know by just the first part of its original title: The Pilgrim's Progress from this World to that which is to Come. This 1678 allegory tells how the protagonist, Christian, has many adventures and misadventures on his journey to reach the Celestial City.
(58 words--my first attempt was 69)
(58 words--my first attempt was 69)
K. has another passage near the end that needs help, too:
All is not as it appears is another lesson found in the
Pilgrim's Progress. False appearances are shown well in two manners:
first with the place of Demas' silver mine and second with the
burden on Christian's back. Demas' silver mine is found right to the
side of the pilgrim's path and advertises vast wealth. The foolish
or feebleminded pilgrims who go on this path would soon find
themselves lost in the mine and would eventually fall to their
deaths. Another unseen object is the great burden on Christian's
back. The burden is quite large and nearly crushes Christian. However, to everyone else there is no burden. However, there clearly
still is a burden, as shown by his excessive weariness. Both
examples are the same because both are not what they appear.
(132 words)
Pilgrim's Progress. False appearances are shown well in two manners:
first with the place of Demas' silver mine and second with the
burden on Christian's back. Demas' silver mine is found right to the
side of the pilgrim's path and advertises vast wealth. The foolish
or feebleminded pilgrims who go on this path would soon find
themselves lost in the mine and would eventually fall to their
deaths. Another unseen object is the great burden on Christian's
back. The burden is quite large and nearly crushes Christian. However, to everyone else there is no burden. However, there clearly
still is a burden, as shown by his excessive weariness. Both
examples are the same because both are not what they appear.
(132 words)
When is repetition helpful? When it does what we see in italics in the first two sentences above. K. uses the slogan "All is not as it appears" (and should have it in quotation marks) and then recasts the phrase as "false appearances" to more fully explain its meaning. This is a good technique.
But look at the repetition of "Demas's silver mine" in the topic sentence identifying the mine and the burden as two "false appearances" and then in the next sentence starting in to explain the first. We really don't need that phrase repeated, though a proper reference that tells us more would be helpful: "the mine that..." or "a promising source of great wealth." The note about the path is repeated, too.
Next, we have several mentions of burden in a few short lines. This is a great opportunity to rename the thing in a way that enhances the reader's understanding, like "the great load of sins Christian carries on his back." When he says that to others "there is no burden," we need a better explanation--is it just unseen, or is it not counted a burden in their minds, or what? A simple pronoun, "it," can take the place of one of these, too!
Finally, the use of "however" is usually very helpful in guiding the reader to consider something different from what has just been said. But a SECOND use of the term turns us around again--back to the first thing or to yet another path? It is not clear. And at the very last, the original final sentence can be eliminated altogether, especially in a now-shorter paragraph.
Here's a new stab at that paragraph--how is yours?
But look at the repetition of "Demas's silver mine" in the topic sentence identifying the mine and the burden as two "false appearances" and then in the next sentence starting in to explain the first. We really don't need that phrase repeated, though a proper reference that tells us more would be helpful: "the mine that..." or "a promising source of great wealth." The note about the path is repeated, too.
Next, we have several mentions of burden in a few short lines. This is a great opportunity to rename the thing in a way that enhances the reader's understanding, like "the great load of sins Christian carries on his back." When he says that to others "there is no burden," we need a better explanation--is it just unseen, or is it not counted a burden in their minds, or what? A simple pronoun, "it," can take the place of one of these, too!
Finally, the use of "however" is usually very helpful in guiding the reader to consider something different from what has just been said. But a SECOND use of the term turns us around again--back to the first thing or to yet another path? It is not clear. And at the very last, the original final sentence can be eliminated altogether, especially in a now-shorter paragraph.
Here's a new stab at that paragraph--how is yours?
"All is not as it appears" is another lesson found in
Pilgrim's Progress. False appearances are shown both in the place of
Demas's silver mine and with the burden on Christian's back.
The mine is just to the side of the pilgrims' path and advertises vast wealth. But the foolish or feebleminded pilgrims who turn aside will soon find
themselves lost in the mine and eventually fall to their deaths.
The great burden on Christian's back nearly crushes him and
brings great weariness, but no one else sees it.
(89 words)
Pilgrim's Progress. False appearances are shown both in the place of
Demas's silver mine and with the burden on Christian's back.
The mine is just to the side of the pilgrims' path and advertises vast wealth. But the foolish or feebleminded pilgrims who turn aside will soon find
themselves lost in the mine and eventually fall to their deaths.
The great burden on Christian's back nearly crushes him and
brings great weariness, but no one else sees it.
(89 words)
No comments:
Post a Comment