Thursday, October 18, 2012

Friday Fictioneers: "Day Trip"

This week's Friday Fictioneers adventure is just plain silly, but a little creepy silly.  Enjoy, and click that link above to join us!  (You may need to enlarge the photo to see my character.)



"Day Trip"

“Wuhl now, ma’am, I done brought my chicken snack from KFC, like they told me in this here paper, and I’m a lookin’ for’ard t’ seein’ that there Jefferson Starship thang. But whut I don’ quite recollect is whether I shoulda brung a backpack and sit-upon like this here little lady behind me has got. I thought it was s’posed to be just a afternoon outin’, and we was gonna be back in time fer our reg’lar evenin’ routine at home.


“Could you tell me if I’m proper equipped to go see them friendly ET’s? Heard ‘bout ‘em nearly all my life!”

102 words

15 comments:

Danny Bowman said...

Nice dialect! I also like how you incorporated the name of the bus line in your story, and how your character completely misses the significance of what he's about to do.

Sandra Crook said...

Nice one Cindy, well done.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields said...

I don't think I need to enlarge the picture to see your character. I can hear him and he's making my ears bleed. Good job!

janet said...

Goooolllleee, Sarge. :-). Ditto to Danny's comments.

brudberg said...

Well done with the dialect.. though I can never ever do it myself. Story very good as well.

Cindy Marsch said...

Wow, y'all, I'm excited that you liked my dialect! I'm very nervous about speaking dialect or accents or in another language (French is the only candidate), because I'm not an "actor" by nature. But I could definitely hear this guy talking, and I edited over the spelling to be sure to convey only the ways in which he would deviate from standard spelling. I'm glad it worked!

But I also feel a little guilty about making a fat guy a buffoon--hits too close to home! And I kinda think this guy is a sympathetic character, like Gomer Pyle, Janet! (But with a little regional difference.) :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Cindy,
The character you create here is scary real. I know this guy. Great job of capturing the dialect. I'd say more, but I have to go take another ride with the aliens! Ron

Scott said...

Don't worry about making the fat guy the buffoon. You don't actually know him so anyone you chose could be offended! lol
Dialect was excellent! I agree!
Thanks for stopping by my post.
Scott

Lora said...

Wonder if someone gave this gullible guy a bill of goods? No matter, he's on his way. Who knows... he may find ET. Enjoyed the dialect.

rich said...

because of how well the dialogue was written, i was forced to read it as slowly as the character is thinking it. i wonder if "recollect" should be "reckon."

photovignettes said...

Great job. I think changing recollect to reckon would sound even more buffoonish. I used the same person as the main character in mine.

Cindy Marsch said...

Rich, I'm thinking "recollect" is pretty much what I hear this character saying, but thanks for making me be really sure about it. Thanks to you, too, Lora, Scott, Anonymous, and Photo!

Pete said...

I wanted to do a good southern accent for my bus driver but I knew that I wouldn't be able to carry it off so I didn't try. I certainly couldn't have done as well as your excellent dialect. Well done.

Douglas MacIlroy said...

Dear Cindy,

I love what you did with the dialog and accent. And the Jefferson Starship trip was a great riff on the photo prompt.

Aloha,

Doug

Cindy Marsch said...

Thanks, Pete and Doug. Doug, I couldn't get "Jefferson Starship" out of my head, and there was just something eerie about that bus to . . . where?